Rebranding Democracy

Casting the net for a Kingfish

Several writers with far more influence than I, like Robert B. Hubbell and historian Timothy Snyder¹, have floated the idea of a Peoples Cabinet. Which, let’s be honest, sounds like either a knockoff of Mao’s Cultural Revolution or a Netflix docuseries: Everybody Else Got Fired. Given that Democrats are already accused of being elitist, who exactly would they draft into this grand experiment? Because let’s face it, this thing has serious Cabinet of Curiosities potential.

First, diversity quotas would be non-negotiable. We’d need at least one representative from each letter of LGBTQ+, though the plus remains a blur to me. Then, for racial equity, we should abide by OMB’s five standard racial categories, unless we go full ethnic breakdown mode. In that case, the U.S. Census definitions require another 1,500 members. At that point, we’re looking at Noah’s Ark-sized governance. And that’s before factoring in other essential demographics, like a bald woman, someone with purple hair, and, oh, right! A man. Fox & Friends would have an absolute field day

!

On the plus side, America does love charisma in its politicians. So why not go full Hollywood? If the next president is going to be a TV spectacle anyway, we might as well audition some stars. Newsom, Shapiro, and Mark Kelly are all names being floated, but the problem is they’re all politicians. And that is an increasingly unpopular profession. Reagan’s legacy still limps along (albeit with a polio-arthritic gait, given Trump’s policies). Surely, there is an actor teetering on the edge of being too old for rom-coms, action blockbusters, or dystopian survival epics who’s ready for their next big role. Age limits barely exist in real politics.

And let’s not forget celebrities have a track record in politics.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was Governor of California for two terms.

Sonny Bono (yes, Cher’s ex) made it to Congress.

Jesse The Body, Ventura took a detour from suplexing opponents to suplexing political norms in Minnesota as Governor.

Even Jerry Springer was the Mayor of Cincinnati until checks and balances caught up to him. (The check was to a prostitute. Whoops.)

Cooter from The Dukes of Hazzard was a Democratic Congressman from Georgia. (A.K.A. Ben Jones).

Gopher from the Love Boat was elected to the House of Representatives from Iowa four times. (A.K.A. Fred Gandy)

So where are the silver screen heroes who haven’t yet trashed their reputations with scandals so grotesque they’d be laughed off the debate stage? Given the current POTUS landscape, the bar is incredibly low - sexual assault allegations, felony fraud, incomprehensible word salad rambling, and serial business bankruptcies are apparently acceptable.

Martin Sheen and Alan Alda come to mind, but they’re beyond their political shelf life (read: in their 80s). Jeff Bridges and Samuel L. Jackson could work, but they’re teetering at 75 and 76. We need younger talent with presidential screen time.

Enter Kiefer Sutherland, Jeff Daniels, and Jamie Foxx, all have played presidents, all are still young enough, and all have a commanding presence. Foxx might require a profanity exemption, but honestly, that might be an electoral advantage.

Author edit: If “The “plus is a blur” line irks you, if it comes across as dismissive of non-binary, intersex, and other identities included under the “+” umbrella, I missed my intended satire target. I do not mean to offend; most people I know who might fit in a diverse sexual alphabet have thick skin and a raucous sense of humor.

1. https://substack.com/@roberthubbell and https://substack.com/@snyder